Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The G word

This is me at 19 weeks. I'm 21 weeks now. I am unmistakably pregnant, and despite the gas, the UTI and the heartburn, I am really enjoying my pregnancy. Finally!

When I became pregnant, I was very surprised. We weren't planning to have a baby yet, you see, even though people were telling us we were getting on in years (yeesh, I'm not that old!). So when we got pregnant, people were very happy for us while I felt... strange.

I wasn't prepared emotionally to become a mom so I spent the first trimester really crying a lot. It wasn't because I didn't want to be a mother--when I realized I was pregnant, I was surprised, yes, and then became even more surprised at the wonder and anticipation I felt. So, yes, while I was happily surprised to be pregnant, I found myself still in tears. I cried because I was so scared. Truly frightened out of my wits.

I think being a parent is a very serious job, that's why I never really wanted it. Even my current job as a magazine editor feels like play. For example, I could've been an investigative journalist or an opinion columnist... but those are serious jobs, ya know? I like to be just happy. And while I know parenting has its meaningful rewards, I just never felt like it was for me.

So I got some comments from some people that I should just be grateful. And I kinda resented that because how can you be grateful for something you never dreamed of--even if it was the most wonderful thing ever? It's like giving a penthouse suite to an acrophobic, or an all-expense-paid trip on an island paradise to an aquaphobic. I knew this baby is a blessing but at the same time I was deeply afraid I'd be a terrible mom, that my life will be turned upside down, that my child will hate me... The uncertainty and fear just robbed me of the pristine joy that I see other pregnant women have. So while I didn't feel grateful, I did feel guilty.

I prayed a lot, telling God that I don't understand His plan. He knows I can be selfish and proud and lazy and cruel, and yet He allowed this tiny human being in my life. I told Him I was terrified that I won't do a good job and I asked Him for wisdom, compassion, patience and all the love in the world because I know I'll need it to raise this boy. I also told Him that I may not understand His will but I accept it, that He must see something in me that qualifies me to be a good mother and that I hope I won't disappoint Him because this little boy isn't really mine... I'm just his caretaker. One day, he'll grow up and do what he was meant to do, and I hope I was able to fully equip him in his purpose in life. I prayed a lot, not really for my baby, but for me. I was just so scared!

Then a couple of weeks ago, I was hospitalized for pneumonia. And all I cared about was the little boy in my tummy. After that ordeal, he's still here, kicking and punching about almost incessantly. All the parts are there. His heartbeat is strong. His development is going very well (he's even big for his gestational age!), and everything is just so perfect, I am humbled at how miraculous he really is.

He's a tough little guy who's getting stronger each day. I can almost feel him telling me not to be afraid because he'll be just fine. And that makes me grateful. 

*photo by Third World Nerd, using his brand new baby, the Olympus EPL1

8 comments:

  1. You and Vince will be really cool parents, for sure! Play dates in the future for our baby boys k? :D

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  2. That would definitely be something I'll look forward to, Jane! =)

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  3. There's just two things to signify that G word-- the first I suppose would be Gratitude knowing that your pregnancy and your Jelly Bean is doing great everyday and the other G would be Glow--for you are a glowing mom-to-be the way I see it in the photo taken by Vince.

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  4. 'Lazy' is the last word I'd use to describe you, my friend :)

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  5. I love this post, especially the part about being a caretaker :D

    When I was pregnant, I was so unsure about how the hubby and I will parent our kid (actually until now haha) and it didn't really help that I was reading a lot of books and was researching so it added pa to the fear! Hay!

    All the best to you and Vince :)

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  6. Glaiza, the G word was actually, yes, for gratitude, and the other for guilt. It said naman in the post. But thanks for the glow suggestion. It's just the camera--Vince was experimenting with the soft focus.

    NYMinute, that's because you haven;t lived with me =) I can be very very lazy with chores!

    Neva, alam mo, you're right! Sometimes the books and the advice make it worse! You know they're all just there to help but... I dunno! Parang you feel more inadequate!

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  7. parenting is very difficult...it can really make or break your kid's future that's why it can be soo scary! but it's the most rewarding job too!

    I'm sure you'll both be a cool parents!

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  8. Well, Bianca, a very wise man told me to relax: "You can do your worst and they still turn out okay." And a very wise woman also told me: "You can do your best and they still turn out terrible."

    I take them to mean we can do what we can as parents but ultimately, our kids are their own person!

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This is all pretty new to me so please feel free to share your mommy wisdom!