Sunday, August 29, 2010

Baby blues

Wasn't planning on blogging while I'm going through the baby blues. Didn't want to put it out there since I should be feeling grateful and blessed and happy, instead of overwhelmed, inept, smothered and weepy. But, folks, I gotta be honest. Motherhood is hard.

A few days ago, my father posted a message on my Facebook wall. He said, "My daughter is happier now that she's a mom." Something like that. If you've been reading my blogs, you'd know that my father has this blind belief that women without children are the unhappiest people alive. Anyway, I deleted his comment because it just isn't true. I mean, yes, I am happy now. But I was also happy when I wasn't a mom. So to say I'm happier now is totally untrue.

It's just really hard to say I'm gloriously happy now when I haven't had a good night's sleep in months, my arms and back are sore from carrying the baby, my body is ravaged by pregnancy and childbirth, I haven't had a lovely loooong bath, all my meals are rushed, and--worst of all--I haven't had good quality time with Vince and I don't know when that will ever happen again. I'm not even talking about sex; I'm just talking about a long quiet evening having an uninterrupted conversation with my husband, something that used to happen every night for the past 11 years. Good-bye to that, one of the greatest joys of my life.

These are the days I really really wish I could have a cigarette and just stare at that smoke curling up into the air and let it calm me. But, nope, no more cigarettes for this mommy. So I just end up weeping.

I'm not unhappy, though. No, no. I can't say I'm unhappy because that isn't true either. Though my life has changed profoundly in the biggest and littlest ways, one look at our precious baby boy and, cliche it may be, my heart fills up and almost bursts with joy. I'm just overwhelmed, I guess.

My mommy friends tell me to "hang in there," that "this too shall pass," that "the first few months are really hard." I take desperate comfort in what they say. I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way. I thought I'd be a supermom, you see, so to dissolve into tears when confronted with another dirty diaper after I just changed him is ridiculous and sad. But when my mommy friends tell me their own stories, then I don't feel so bad. Thanks to all my mommy friends!

Thanks to my husband, too. You have no idea how much it comforts me when you hold my hand at yet another 3 a.m. feeding. That's all I really need to know that all is well and I'm not alone in this crazy new world. That's all I need really. Thank you.   

18 comments:

  1. As long as you let your emotions out Frances, you'll be fine! Don't let it be kept inside you as it'll make you go crazy! You are a strong woman and I've met you and got to know you because of blogging, I shall say, you are one Beautiful WOMAN, seriously, not only on the exterior but your personality shines through! I am sure this shall pass and you'll just look back and give yourself a pat for a job well done! :) God bless sweetie

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  2. Hi Frances, I know one cannot fully sympathize with how you're feeling because I've never been there, in that kind of situation. At this moment I just want to send you virtual hugs, to let you know that I've sent a prayer for you {and will pray more}, for Him to give you courage and strength and that soon, it will all be easier for you to handle.

    I was going to say the same thing, that you've always been a happy person, even before Vito came heehee. Maybe when the time comes that he can handle and play on his own, you and Vince can make all those beautiful, uninterrupted conversations once again.

    You are doing a great job, giving your all to your son and nothing in this world comes unrewarded. Even this soon, I can feel that you feel that is all worth it. :)

    Hugs and prayers for you, Frances! God bless!

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  3. i love your post Ms. Frances! of course we love our kids to bits and we'll do anything for them..but the reality is, in that long process of rearing a child, it's really difficult especially for us moms..but you'll eventually feel the rewards of mommyhood once Vito starts talking and saying countless iloveyous and smothers you with lots of hugs and kisses, hehe..pero syempre kasama pa din dun ang kunsumisyon at pagod, lol...

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  4. Ms. F! I don't have wise words to offer because I haven't had the opportunity to experience what you're going through right now. But I will say this, I do not think less of you as a Supermom just because you feel some sadness and frustration. Diba ganun talaga when we go through changes in our lives? Buti ka nga, you have the courage to admit that all is not well.
    Naniniwala din ako sa kanila, just hang in there and things will start to get better and brighter. You ARE a SUPERmom, because you love your baby with all of your heart. You just love yourself too, and you miss what you've had. Balancing your life, I guess, takes time and a lot of work.

    Wala naman sigurong pinanganak na perfect mom kaagad.

    I'll pray for you, your husband, and your little boy. {{{hugs}}}

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  5. If it's any consolation, what you are feeling right now it VERY NORMAL and expected from new moms. Maybe you are having a mild post-partum depression which I also experienced with my second child. And with the support that you have, I am sure you'll get through this emotional roller coaster and feel much better in a few months time, guaranteed. :) take care!

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  6. Hi Fran,

    Hugs to you. I can totally relate with whatever you wrote here I experienced the same when I was a new mom. its perfectly normal. I'll pray you pull through. Hugs dear.

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  7. Hi Frances! I'm so proud of you, being a new mom and all. Of course, I can understand what you're going through; it happened to me, too. It's true that it is just a stage, and I would advise you to take it all in and sift the good from the not-so-good. (I don't say "the bad" 'cuz I don't want to make you feel bad!)

    The others are right: Just let it all out. It's healthy. There were times when I'd just cry out of tiredness, especially when I felt no one understood what I was going through. It felt much better to get it out in the open, and you're doing it fabulously by being honest. First-time motherhood IS HARD. But we're all rooting for you: You were made for this.

    Vito's gonna grow up so fast, you'll see. Sometimes I miss those early days, the very ones you are going through. I miss my Vito's milk breath, the sweet smell of his scalp, everything about his newborn stage. Now, at nine months, I can hardly keep up with him! They grow up so fast.

    Don't worry about time with the hubby -- you'll have it back soon enough. :)

    Haaay, so much to say, and I won't bore you. Basta, I'm going to pray for you extra. God bless!

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  8. it's a good thing ur baby blues is just like that, there are other mommies who had to seek professional help because they practically hated seeing their babies! i've experienced the baby blues like you did for about 2 months after i gave birth. during those times, i observed that my baby needed feeding every 3 hours, so what i did was to set an alarm (until my body clock adjusted) every 3 hours and proactively fed my baby. that way,i prevented the anxiety, crying and having to calm my baby first before feeding. i also co-slept with her, that way, i was able to feed her even though i'm not 100% awake coz she's just beside me. you'll get the hang of it, and with a cooperative husband...i'm sure both of you will go through this happier than ever. God bless!

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  9. Hi Frances,

    I know you've heard this a million times alread but I went through that also and basing on experience it will pass after the first or second month.

    No sleep, then breastfeeding, no time alone with my husbad, feeling ugly and I haven't had a cigarette for 9 months! I thought I would go crazy feeling sad. I was feeling guilty also because I was feeling all of these eh ang cute cute naman ng baby ko.

    But my friends said that it will pass and they were right naman. Feeling ko lang ang tagal tagal dumating nung "it will pass" na sinasabi nila.

    It's great that your hubby's very supportive of you. It will help a lot. It's best if you talk to him about what you feel. Nakakaluwag ng dinadala. Just don't forget to eat and sleep together pa din kahit na nandyan na si baby ha?

    Hang in there, in a few weeks time, you'll be super alright!

    P.S.
    Try blogging (if ever miraculously you have free time). That also helps =D

    Take care and hugs to baby vito!

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  10. I am a fan of your blog and I enjoy reading your entries. I just want to let you know, just like the other comment, what you're feeling is very normal. I also can relate as I've been there, done that. With my first pregnancy, I had this vision of a wonderful delivery - the kind of delivery that you would watch in the movies. It didn't help that when I was on maternity leave, I was all about watching A Baby Story on TLC. Anyway, I've had this vision that I would get epidural, push for a few minutes or so and then voila..out comes my baby and we bond and we live happily ever after. You know the whole sitting on a glider with you breastfeeding your baby, blah, blah, blah. Guess what? My experience was nowhere near that. I was in "active" labor for 34 hours, pushed hard for 45 minutes and then ended up with a c-section. Couldn't breastfeed because my son was not latching on. I had way too much epidural that I had to stay in the hospital for 7 days when normally you stay about 3-4 days (for c-section). I had no sleep and was constipated (sorry, TMI). I was going through post partum depression. I was barely getting enough sleep. Everytime someone asked me how I was doing, I cried, no, make that I balled my eyes out. I needed to get back to my normal routine of going to work. It wasn't because I didn't love my baby, it was just overwhelming for me. I think I expected way too much from me - like being able to have a normal delivery, being able to breastfeed, etc. It was too much and then I realized, I need to get over the whole vision. Everyone goes through in one form or another. No matter how many classes you take, how many books you read about parenting, you can never be ready and it's damn overwhelming. So, dont' be hard on yourself and you are so NOT alone. Take it one day at a time. In a few months, you'll be looking back and saying to yourself, that wasn't so bad after all. Congratulations and all the best!

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  11. It is absolutely overwhelming. But the good news is it only gets better from here. You won't feel so blue, so zombie-like, Vito will be sleeping better and it will be just like an improved version of your life pre-baby. Sales Family 2.0!

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  12. "No matter how many classes you take, how many books you read about parenting, you can never be ready and it's damn overwhelming."

    Maria, you couldn't have said it any better.

    My pregnancy was unplanned, but I knew what I wanted to happen - natural birth (no medication if I can help it) and breastfeed 'til when my son's at least two years old.

    God had other plans.

    I underwent a C-section due to very low amniotic fluid. My son had to be given antibiotics immediately because of meconium. They had to start giving him formula because we couldn't get a proper latch. And I only got to breastfeed him once. Literally just once. Using a bottle nipple attached to my breast.

    And you know what, I actually tear up and have to stop myself from crying whenever I remember that I never got to breastfeed him. Because I feel like I failed. I failed to give him what he needed the most. Especially since he was hospitalized at 12 days old (for five days) and again 27 days old (for 19 days) and several times after. The most important thing I knew he needed, I couldn't give.

    I hope you don't think that I'm trivializing what you feel. Not at all :) I don't know what advice or words of comfort I can give that you haven't heard yet. But hopefully, by giving you a peek into my early days with my son, it'll help you feel somewhat relieved that things aren't so bad after all. I know that I felt that way whenever I would hear from other mommies as well. And I always told myself that it will soon pass. Plus I had the support of my immediate family :)

    Be strong, Frances! Whenever you feel like you're not the supermom you would've wanted to become, just remember that you're able to give Vito the life-giving milk coming from you, which no one and nothing can ever replace.

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  13. Frances, just read your post. I want to scoop you into my arms and hug you really tight!! You are going to get through this, Frances. Just take it one day at a time. The first few months are really hard as the two of you get to know each other. But as you and Vito try to work on a schedule, things would be less difficult. Super hug!!

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  14. Hi! I find your blog entries fascinating. And this entry totally moved me. I know exactly what you're going through. I just gave birth 7 weeks ago and a first-time mom with no help except for my hubby and very supportive friends whenever they can. Like they said, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. It is true so just hang in there. I know that it is HARD to take care of Vito while you're still recuperating. Being a mom is no joke. No matter how much we prepare, we can't be a super mom. I didn't know that it would be this hard too. You're almost done with the hardest part. Once Vito has established his routine, coos and smiles, it will be better. I admire you for being true to yourself and accepting your feelings. It is normal to feel that way. Congratulations and will be praying for you.

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  15. Hi Frances. What you are feeling is very normal. It only means that you really care about your new role as a mom. Someone also told me that this is also a time to show a little bit of more attention for the daddy so he won't feel left out at all. So praise Vince din when he does something for you and the baby. That will compensate for the quality time that you think you are losing now.

    Take care!

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  16. hey frances :) i went through the same thing and i was in a "funk" (to put it lightly) for about a month or so. i got out of it because i just had to. i didn't want what i was feeling to spiral into something else. i was also depriving myself of enjoying my baby. just like vince, my hubby was very supportive thankfully. the best help he did was letting me sleep at night while he feeds the baby.

    hang in there frances! we're all rooting for you.

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  17. With Vito's super adorable eyes, and Vince's loving support, remember that you're one lucky hot momma ;) We're here if you need anything, and let's have playdates real soon :D *hugs*

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  18. Hi, I've been reading your TH for the longest time (lurker). This post just moved me. I have 3 of that beautiful gift you got 3 Fridays ago, and I say, you are sooo normal. I remember my eldest when he was as tiny as Vito, and I couldn't make him stop crying -- I told him to "stop or I'll throw you downstairs". Without my knowing it then, my hubby was so hurt, cos i'll throw our baby. Enjoy Vito and God bless you, Vince and Little V.

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This is all pretty new to me so please feel free to share your mommy wisdom!