Sunday, February 2, 2014

Pregnant mommy guilt

I'm sad today. I had a bad day with the kids. Been having bad days with them lately. I think it's because they're growing up and becoming more rambunctious while I'm pregnant and getting even more tired each day. The exhaustion is testing my patience and certainly not helping my temper. Perhaps what I'm also struggling with most is this: The most difficult thing about being pregnant for the third time is the fact that I can't take care of myself the way I did when I was pregnant the first time.

The first time, when I was pregnant with Vito, is all magic. It's just me and this new life inside me. All I did was focus on him and him alone. I devoured books on pregnancy, followed week by week the development of my growing baby. I slept and rested all day if needed. I ate only healthy food. I religiously took all my vitamins. I was on the dot with all my tests and appointments, the lab results all filed neatly in a clear book. My first pregnancy was love.

The second time, with Iñigo now, was easy, too. Vito was (and is) a fiercely independent child. When he was just three months old, he'd push me away when he was done breastfeeding. He only asked for me if he wanted to eat or to play or to cuddle. He was happy to be on his own. He made motherhood so easy because I always had time for myself, my husband, my friends, my work. Even though he was only a year old when I was pregnant with Iñigo, he understood what was going on with me, and he preferred playing alone or with his friends or with his Papa than to bother his slow, sleepy pregnant Mama.

Vito demanding I get out of bed and play. Well, it was 9 am! Lazy mommy!

This third time I'm pregnant, however, is very hard. Iñigo is a clingy child. This second son of mine, he can't let go of me. He refuses to let me out of his sight. When I'm in the bathroom, he pounds on the door, crying. He follows me everywhere. He's really like that, since he was born. Iñigo's always happy when I'm within touching distance. So I always brought him along with me, carried him in a sling, did all the attachment parenting things with him, even breastfed him exclusively till just a few days ago because I read that breastfed toddlers are more independent than formula-fed ones.

I don't really mind. Well, okay, I do sometimes, especially since I don't like clinginess—from parents and my friends and even to my choice of husband. My parents knew that I was a better daughter when they respected my need for distance. My friends are like me. We just pick up where we left off and that could be weeks and months in between. Vince isn't high maintenance. He's not the type who wants to be with me all the time. He doesn't reply to texts. He doesn't call except if there's an emergency. As long as he has his books and his writing, he's fine. He and Vito are exactly the same. So when Iñigo came along, I didn't really know what to make of him. Except love him, of course, and if this is how he wants to be loved then so be it. But now that I'm pregnant, I'm just too exhausted having someone stuck to my skin nearly 24/7.

How can anyone resist that guy? Seriously.

It's just not Iñigo, of course. Having no household help and yayas, Vince and I are constantly caring for the kids. Plus, there's the house. It needs to be cleaned, vacuumed, wiped down. Food has to be cooked, dishes need to be washed. Clothes need to be laundered, folded, steamed. So when the kids are asleep, Vince and I take turns working and housekeeping.

I can't eat properly. I can't sleep when I want and as long as I need. I forget to take my prenatal vitamins. I haven't been able to schedule my lab tests. I haven't even been able to just bask in this pregnancy. Today, as I was cooking dinner, I recalled that when I was pregnant with Vito, I wouldn't even cook because I didn't want my tummy, which was at level with the stove fire, to get hot. That was how much I took care of myself, to the point of silliness. Now, who has the time? Kids need to be fed. House needs to be cleaned. Work needs to be done. I don't even blog anymore, unless it's a sponsored post. There really is just no time to sit down and type. To stay sane, I just get on my phone when the kids are watching TV and scroll through Facebook.

The other night, I felt the baby move. I was so amazed. It's always an amazing thing. I focused my thoughts on the darling baby, "There you are. Please be alright. I know Mama's not taking care of herself. I know I'm not taking care of you, but please know that I love you and that I think of you." And that last part I felt guilty about because that's not really true. I don't think about the baby. I forget that I'm pregnant because I'm always running around, washing butts, picking up toys, sweeping crumbs, yelling at the boys to stop hitting each other while I'm cooking their lunch. I'm too busy with my kids to think about the child I can't see.

Please pray the baby will be as perfectly healthy as Vito and Iñigo. Thank you, everyone!

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17 comments:

  1. I have nothing but good wishes for you and your unborn baby Frances. I hope you'll be able to have a healthy baby who's also as cute and adorable as your two other boys. :)

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    1. Thank you! =) Yesterday was just a bad day, I guess. Most days, I can handle everything and not break down!

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  2. hi frances! i dnt knw if u remember me. We had our share of fb msgs thru mommy topaz regarding my no-yaya situation. but now I do have and im happy with yaya badeth. I got her from my aunt's dra gym buddy at fitness. She gave us a contact person named ate baby who provided our helper nw. Her requirement is 2k per referral and we are allowed to replace 3x if we didnt like d first. So far, 4months na cya with us. My husband and I are very happy and my daughter loves her. Im a work frm hme mom so I get to watch my daughter parin but when we have scheduled events to shoot, my husband and I would bring them to my parents home. I dnt trust her 100% parin but eventually as we get to chat and bond narin, trust was established. wala nmn akong choice bt to build friendship with her and treat her as fmily. Though we're still planning to hv cctvs installed cz we always hv camera gears and equipments lying around d house and we leave kendra our daughter with her. we still hv this certain level of kapraningan every time we're out and paguwi. I check everything specially my daughter... frm head to foot. Also since we live in a condo, I hv instructed the security to nvr allow my yaya to leave the house specially if she'll leave the condo with my daughter. Pero sobrang relieved ako when finally may helper nko. I dnt feel ugly anymore haha. Remember that what I told you. Anyway, if u want to get the contact person's number, msg me. my facebook page is Charles & Mitch Productions. When I read your post sobrang nakarelate ako so I can't jst ignore. I hope I could help. Take care and Good luck on your search :)

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    1. Thanks, Mitch! I PM'd you sa FB page mo =)

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  3. What a great and perfectly honest post. I hope you woke up today feeling better than yesterday!

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    1. Yes! That was a really bad day. I've been having a few of those lately because I'm just so tired. But I really must remember that the kids are just being kids and I shouldn't get affected =D

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  4. I'll pray for you and your baby's health and safety. Bad days like that are pretty normal, but I'm sure all those worries will go away by just looking at your super cute boys. :)

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    1. Thank you! I will never stop needing prayers! =)

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  5. I got teary-eyed reading your post. I have always envied SAHM and was nagging my husband to finally let me leave my office job so I can be one. In fact, I have been reading your blog everyday, learning how to be one. But, when there were times that the house help and yaya are on their days off and hubby and I are the ones left at home, I realize, it is exhausting to do everything, chores that are no different from the ones you mentioned. Still, you're very blessed to be able to see your kids grow up on a day to day basis. Your kids are likewise very blessed to have their mama around during their formative years. I know you don't like unsolicited advice, but do take your rests. The chores can wait, Well, except for the diaper changing. We do not want that cute bum of Inigo from getting nasty rashes :-) I am still an admirer, not just of your life, but also of your honesty. :)

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    1. Being a SAHM/WAHM isn't so bad haha. Just now that I'm pregnant kasi ibang level ang pagod ko. Plus the hormones pa! Plus I'm getting fat hahahaha

      But seriously, thank you. I try not to blog about the bad days but that day was just completely overwhelming. I had to let it out and cry!

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  6. Aww! take good care Mommy Frances. It would be same as taking care of the baby inside you.

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  7. I feel you. I'm also pregnant (32weeks) with an overly energetic and clingy toddler. We also don't have yaya and my husband is mostly out the entire day in the office. So even if I feel cramps and so exhausted, I can't just sit down and relax. And I also don't like the monster mommy that I am becoming when I feel frustrated with the home, attending to my toddler and feeling heavy with my belly. But all will be well because I know that Jesus is my strength daily and I claim Phil. 4:13 the moment I wake up in the morning. Prayed for you. :)

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    1. Oh my! You're just about to pop! If you can do it, I can do it, too! Thank you for inspiring me and thank you for the encouragement and prayer. You don't know how moved I was. Naiyak nga ako =)

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  8. Frances, i can truly relate... I'm 26 weeks pregnant and with an active 3 year old to take care of during the day and fulltime work at night. I hardly get any sleep and some days just like your i just cry from the exhaustion. :( you are not alone but I know all of us moms in the same boat can do this, we'll survive this after all it is still a happy and love-filled life with our hubbies and kids. I remind myself that everyday but some daya are just harder than most. Hang in there...

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  9. Aw... Such a heartwarming post. I remember your post about how can you love another child when Iñigo came. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but that's one of my favorite posts of yours. With this post naman, you made me realized a lot. I must admit bigla akong natakot na maging WAHM and magkababy ulit but more than that you inspire me. Hugs, hugs, hugs! Praying for you, the boys and the new baby :)

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  10. Hi mommy topaz! I feel for you! I know that it is never easy to do much things but when you are a mom you can't just seat back and relax. I as well most of the time feel guilty now a days that I do not get to attend to my eldest who is now turning 8yrs old _ (btw I just gave birth and my 2nd child just turned 5 mos yesterday) while before I give full attention to her. I am always looking after my 2nd girl since she needs more attention than ate. For me it is hardest to keep my time divided with my two girls. I thought I have to have equal time for them. It is even harder for you coz this is now your 3rd and inigo as you said is clingy but good thing vito is independent.

    I will pray for baby chicken that he stay safe in your tummy and for you to be always healthy and your boys too. I hope to meet you soon!

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This is all pretty new to me so please feel free to share your mommy wisdom!