Friday, March 14, 2014

Why the youngest child is special to mommies

There's an older lady in our condo complex who runs the neighborhood grocery and canteen. When I was first pregnant, she always asked how I was, if I was excited, if I'm okay. She always gave me extra food. "For the baby," she said as she rubbed my belly. "So he'll be healthy and strong!" The second time I was pregnant, she said she wished it was a girl so I can stop having babies. This third time I'm pregnant, when she saw my little belly bump, she frowned in disgust and almost spat out, "You're pregnant again?!"

She's not the only one. People don't congratulate me anymore with this third baby. While I don't feel the need to be congratulated, I don't need to see the looks of incredulity either. When they find out that it's not only my third, but that it's another boy, they all look disappointed, like I failed them for not making a girl. They say, strangely, "A boy again? But I wanted a girl!" They say in a matter-of-fact tone, "So you'll try again? Because you want a girl, of course," because of course a third boy must've been a massive disappointment.

These days, I just say thanks for the old things people donate then I quietly give them away to charity. There are no new things for my third boy, no showers, no gifts, no excitement. On one hand, I'm glad because I like to do my own shopping, but on the other hand, I feel sad that Baby Chicken isn't as anticipated. People say things like, "How is Vito handling it?" or "Poor Iñigo, he'll be a middle child!" or "Shouldn't you go look for work?"

Well, Vito's excited. Iñigo will be fine since I'm a middle child and I'm fantastic. And, guys, my husband and I are not kids anymore. We're old. We have money in the bank and investments and life insurance policies. And we do have work. We just work at home.

Mother of men, that's me!

Sometimes I feel I'm being defensive, like I have to defend my being pregnant, like I have to apologize for having another child. I'm quiet about this pregnancy as a result, because people don't seem to be happy about it, like they're the ones who are carrying this baby while taking care of a preschooler and a toddler and a house, like they're the ones putting away money for my kids' future, like they're the ones stuck at home raising my boys. I don't know why people dump their fears on me.

The fact is Vince and I wanted this third baby. We may have discussed gender but all we really wanted was another baby, no matter what genitals it came with. I want a fourth baby actually but Vince joked he wants his wife back. We made a decision based on our longing for more children, on our current lifestyle and earning capacity. Oh, we do get tired and exasperated having these demanding boys in our life! But we are also beyond happy. So much joy and gratitude that the boys are ours and that we can give them a good life, a really good life! And now our happiness will be threefold! How crazy lucky are we?!

So I don't want to be made to feel guilty for having another child. I don't want to defend our decision. I don't want to be made to feel shame for something we wanted and we prepared for. And yet, sometimes when I review my Facebook updates, I see my defensiveness, my barely concealed anger at those who tell me they feel disappointed I'm having another boy, that Vince and I should look for jobs because there are now three mouths to feed. I don't want to care but I do—oh how I do!—because this baby means just as much to me as my other two children, and I don't understand why people don't want him and I don't understand why people need to tell me that. Yet I am cowed into submission. I don't talk about the pregnancy so much, I downplay my joy, I talk about Vito and Iñigo more because they're more interesting to people.

At night, when I feel Baby Chicken kicking away in my tummy when everyone's asleep and the world is dark and quiet and it's just him and me, I feel bad for him, that he isn't as celebrated as his brothers were, that his welcome to this life isn't as warm. And I promise him, "No hand-me-downs for you. Everything new for you! I'll love you so much! Don't mind what that old lady in the canteen said. Your Papa and I wanted you from the very start. Don't mind what those people said. We love that you're a boy! Don't mind anything. We're not disappointed! We're ready for you and we love you no less! If no one else will love you, your Papa and I and your older brothers will."

I'll make up for it, my youngest boy. I will.

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58 comments:

  1. Each child is a unique joy. Thanks for sharing, Frances. And I'm happy for you! Praying for a safe delivery for you.

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    1. Yes! I love each of my kids. They are so wonderfully different and special. I can't wait to see what Baby Chicken will be like!

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  2. How rude naman these people. A child is a blessing and purposeful in the first place. Whatever gender, it's God gift. Even if we want a boy or a girl, if it's God's plan, we can't do about it. It's a blessing and He has a purpose. Take care of yourself Ms. Frances. Stay cool and hot momma

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    1. Yes, whatever gender, whatever shape the baby comes in, basta anak ko, mamahalin ko!

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  3. Awwww, Frances, hugs to you! Ako naman I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd child and everyone's saying sana boy na para tapos na daw kami (my eldest being a girl). I just smile at them kasi in truth my husband and I wouldn't mind if it's another girl. And I would like to have 3 kids (or more!) if kaya pa hehe.

    Let's celebrate our children - 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and so one! ��

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    1. Congratulations! Yes, there's already so little love in this world. Can't we be happy for the people who are full of joyful anticipation for their child?

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    2. Thank you! By the way, you remind me of Cersei in that photo :)

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    3. In a good way, I hope! That Cersei has a bitter and unhappy look about her!!!

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  4. Awww...I'm teary po Ms. Frances. I also feel bad that you have to experience this on your third pregnancy. And I hope other people will mind their own business instead of meddling in others' lives. I can relate kasi when I was pregnant, I'd been through a lot. I can't elaborate further, but to sum up everything I was really depressed and I felt some people didn't want my son. And now I realize, I wish I didn't mind those people, pregnancy would have been enjoyable pa. I am the one in this situation and I am responsible for myself.

    I will pray for you Ms. Frances. I know you'll get through and hope you're feeling okay now, somehow. I want you to know that you are one of the women that I truly admire. Stay inside your bubble of joy and never let anyone's hurtful comments enter that bubble.

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    1. I know what you mean! Pregnancy makes us so delicate emotionally and it's so heartless for people to just say things so mindlessly! Hugs hugs hugs!

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  5. Every child is a gift from God. And I'm sure baby chicken is a very special gift, even if he's the youngest! :)

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    1. He's super special! We wanted him when we said we didn't want a kid anymore! =)

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  6. aaawww.... (((hugs))).... I feel you there, cause when I got pregnant, to my 3rd and the gender was GIRL again... most of the people I know usually tells me, O ANO ISA PA?! KASI WALA KA PANG BOY EH?! and my answer? NO, I HAVE A BOY NA! and sabay turo sa husband ko. hahaha! and they will laugh, okay na din kasi matigas din ulo nyan paminsan-minsan. I have to admit, I got disappointed when I learned that we will be having a girl, again but then again, my whole family got excited as well. and just like you, we bought new things as in new lahat. hehehe! And to be honest with you, my husband and I are very much happy with our tres marias. as an avid reader and fan of your blogs, I am excited for baby chicken as well. As long as your whole family is happy, go! hehehe!

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    1. Happy kami super =) Kaya siguro may gustong mag-ruin ng happiness namin =)

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  7. Congratulations France on your 3rd baby boy! You and Vince have raised well and provided for your 2, so I'm sure Baby Chicken will do well. I just don't get it, I mean it's our kids, our family, our life! Hugs and kisses to you... Stay happy!

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    1. Live and let live! =) Yes, I'm happy. Thank you!

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  8. Hi Frances!

    I've been a silent follower for almost a year now, I do love your blog and your family stories though hindi lang talaga ako macomment (sorry). But reading this entry just made me want to speak up.

    First, congratulations for your baby boy!! I have one baby boy right now and he's been such a joy, I can just imagine how happy it is to have three of these wonders in your life :) Don't let other people's reactions dampen your mood, for every one of those people, there's also us who are very much happy for you, and if ever I have the chance (and the resources, haha) I would also love to have 3 boys, and raise them as you do with your wonderful babies. Inigo and Vito are so adorable, I can't wait to read about Baby Chicken too :)

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    1. Thanks so much, Mommy Emmy! Actually, Vince said if we become mega-rich in the next two years, we'll try for one more! =D

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  9. Awwww. Felt the same way when I was carrying my third, because according to these "people", i have a pair already, a boy and a girl.. but during my quiet times with the Kid3, i realized, i dont have to please these (nasty) people around me. as long as we are happy as a growing family, then we should embrace the coming of the new baby!! :)

    Remember this, LOVE is always multiplied and never divided as we add children to our family. And you know what, it is going to be great having 3 children!! (believe me, i had all of them before i turned 28.haha!) SPELL: chaos in our home, but infinite love from all of them.

    i am sure, baby chicken will be so loved being the youngest! :) stay a happy mommy!

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    1. Yes, more kids means more love! That was the biggest and happiest surprise for me =)

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  10. I feel your woes, Frances. My third baby was unplanned because we just wanted two. I know my parents mean well when they said that I shouldn't have another because they didn't want me to have difficulty. Pregnancy with my third is not as celebrated, unlike the first and second, and people look at me like I'm out of my mind. They should know about moms in the states with 5 or more kids, without any yaya. It's true what they say: "People who don't mind matter and people who mind don't matter."

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    1. I know what you mean about these people being well-meaning. But it's also a bit insulting for them to think we're being foolish and irresponsible. Sigh!

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  11. Congratulations Frances! I feel your sentiment! I have three girls, three of them just like your kid's age gap and when I was pregnant with the third, I felt the same way too. People tell me : What? Preggy again? I felt a little disappointed with the gender, I felt guilty why I felt bad, I felt bad as people were not as excited. But who cares? When my youngest came into our lives, everything seemed ok- more like perfect. She is the apple of our eyes! And I've never expected her to bring such joy to our family. I love her so much! She has hand me downs, but I see to it that she has new things too! I couldn't imagine life without her :) You will love your new bundle of joy when he will arrive, that's for sure! :) So happy for you!

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    1. Aww! Actually, I now think hand-me-downs are still okay. But I still should buy new stuff kasi medyo gamit na gamit na yung mga stuff ni Vito haha

      I like what you said about your life became perfect. I really like that! =)

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  12. I am very happy whenever I see pregnant mother and oh how I envy them. I already have 3 kids, my eldest:boy-14, 2nd:girl-12 and my baby: girl-1yr and 3 months. Whenever I see their precious babies I am always almost in tears and full of joy. You should never mind those people giving those negative thoughts about you, your husband and your baby. They are gifts to us and as long as you know that you would be able to raise them properly and with full of love then go ahead. Our children are our inspiration, our reason for breathing & our life. If I will be given another chance since I am not getting any younger, me and my husband are still planning to have another baby and I'm proud of it. Whenever I encounter those negative people giving negative thoughts about me having another baby all I tell them is that we planned it, we are ready for it, we want it and I am proud of it. Sometimes I even tell them "sayang ang lahi kailangan magparami ng magaganda at pogi sa mundo" hehe. Cheer up and be proud! Don't listen to them. I'm sure your little baby is also proud of you and thankful that you are her/his mother. Cheer up and be happy, every pregnant mother deserves to be treated special. Life is inside you and it was made out of love. :o)))

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    1. Good luck! Maybe you're still destined to have more kids if your heart is still looking!!!

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  13. Hi Frances,

    It was just now that I am reading your blog. Don't mind those annoying people! They are insecure.
    I was so touched with your words for your third baby boy. I know he will grow up like your 2 lovely kids. It's not them that matters, it's your love that will make him a beautiful person.

    Don't make those people happy because you feel bad about what they said. Cheer up!

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  14. I got teary eyed on this. Don't mind what other people think. Having a baby is really a blessing no matter what the gender is. Tell the old lady in the canteen to mind her own business, Hmpfh, i hate her for hurting you and baby chicken's feeling :(

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    1. I want to but I'm too polite argh!

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  15. Now that makes me understand it. Kaya pala! Well, I love Vito and Inigo but I already love Baby Chicken since I've heard you're carrying him :) Can't wait to meet him! :)

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    1. Aww! Thanks for loving my kids, Teeyah! =)

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  16. :'( I wish my mom thought of this when she had me. I never liked hand me downs from my sisters. I always lived under their shadows. Hay. Hugs to you!! Baby Chicken is blessed to have you as his mum. And you are, too for having him. :)

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    1. Forgive na your mommy =) It's really expensive to buy clothes and shoes kasi. My kids wear hand-me-downs from their cousins. Even though I grew up the only girl, I wore hand-me-downs from my cousins, too!

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    2. It's okay naman, ang galing nga niya. Idol. Kasi she got widowed at the age of 37. 4 kaming anak niya, lahat nag-aaral! But ako, since bata at nasa personality ko na yung magkaroon ng sariling identity, inis na inis. Hehe. Nakakaloka lang kasi, same kami ng sister ko ng sinuot nung highschool graduation. Buti na lang I look better! Hahaha! :D

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    3. Wow, that is amazing. SIngle moms are amazing! In many ways, single mom ka rin kasi malayo ang asawa mo. You are amazing!

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  17. I was crying while reading this article. We are on the same situation but different scenario. Im on my 3rd pregnancy, my eldest is a girl and my 2nd is a boy. We are waiting for next month to see the gender of the baby. Masyadong mapanghusga ang mga tao sa paligid natin. Pinagpasa-Diyos ko na lang sila. This is my choice. I love my baby and wala kong pakialam sa sasabihin nila.

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  18. I'm getting married next year, and my fiance would really like boys if we'll be blessed with children - for the reason that if we'll be blessed with a girl he'll just get heartbroken and iiwan lang daw siya 'pag nag-asawa and he won't be able to take it. yes, he's thinking that far ahead.

    me naman, i would LOVE to have boys as well, oh to be pampered being the only woman in the house. :) some people just don't know how boys can be so malambing.

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    1. Boys are love! But I'd have loved to have a daughter, too! =) Congratulations and best wishes!

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  19. well written Frances! Im carrying my 2nd and i hate it when people say "sana boy na para quota na". I know they mean well, but the mom in me can't help but defend my unborn baby and say the gender doesn't matter. it's true what they say that you cannot imagine you could love anyone as much as your first child until you had your second, or in your case, third! you are one lucky mommy to be surrounded by boys=)

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    1. I know what you mean. I feel like hindi pa pinapanganak ang baby ko, inaapi niyo na =(

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  20. Hey, I'm excited to see this kid. I applaud you for having kids. You and Vince are kind and smart so you should have as many kids as possible.Hello, Little Chicken, you have a big fan in me. No questions asked. Just because I know you're another version of your mom and dad. :) (The first two boys are cool, too. Equal coolness to all three amigos.)

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    1. Gosh, I hope our kids will be better people than Vince and me, Faye! =)

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  21. So beautifully written. Reading your thoughts made me cry. Very well said.

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    1. I was crying while writing it! Thank you =)

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  22. Hi Frances , it is sad that there are people who just keep on finding faults in others because they themselves are inadequate. Those are the people who made you feel bad because you are pregnant. Being pregnant is a blessing and why do they have to meddle with your affairs. I only have one child and most likely will not have another anymore. And some people would tell me I am selfish because I can't give my son a brother or a sister. They should shut their mouth and mind their own business.

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    1. That is true! When I also used to tell people that I don't want more than one child, they automatically concluded I'm selfish. Now that I have more than one, they automatically concluded I'm irresponsible. Walang panalo! =)

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  23. I feel ya! Nako, when we found out we were pregnant, you know what first came to mind? "My in-laws are not gonna like this." For some reason, I think they think we aren't able to handle Jacob or hirap na hirap na kami with just one kid. I found myself crying one time because of that and how I know telling anyone won't be fun unlike those pregnancy announcement videos you see on YouTube. I came to my senses though. Hindi naman sila magpapalaki. In fact, they don't budget our daily-monthly expenses. Why the hell should I care what other people think what my husband and I can and cannot handle! Though one comment pissed me off, "What?! They can't even handle one kid!". But that came from a teenager.

    I agree that the youngest is special to mommies, being the youngest of 6! In fairness naman, menopause baby ako so I had this big gap (17 years) from them, so I got everything new. Actually I got everything I wanted. Which didn't turn out well for the most part. But that aside, I'm sure people/relatives thought Mom was crazy having another baby at 50, all the while putting 5 kids to medical and dental school.

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    1. Sigh! Yeah, so many opinions but not really based on truth!

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  24. Don't mind the insensitive people. I myself have four boys in a span of four years and loving it! :)

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  25. I feel you, Frances. I have 3 kids myself. I love all of them equally too but I think the main reason why my 3rd was also celebrated as much as the others was because he's my first child with my second hubby. He's also my hubby's first biological child. But yeah, when it came to my friends, parang "nothing new na". I had no more baby showers too but okay lang. The important thing is that we love our kids diba. :)

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    1. Yeah, I'm not looking naman for people to throw me showers or even to be happy for me =) Ang gusto ko lang sana is if they're not happy, wag na nila sabihin! Kaloka talaga yung kailangan pang i-share ang kanilang feelings, diba?

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  26. Got teary eyed especially on the last paragraph :( awful reality. I am on my second pregnancy too and awaiting for gender. I'd have to say not as celebrated as the first, also mainly because I'm having a hard time with this second run. I was quite surprised (in a good and joyful way!) to see you have 2 boys na and another one on the way. Once you feel the joy of parenthood, you can only imagine the bliss of having more children. The last time I visited your blog it was about your firstborn and the joy of being pregnant. Wow it has been that long! Even my own blog I've been MIA. Congratulations on your 3 boys! Have a safe delivery :)

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  27. Here I am again!! hahahaa

    You got me teary der! I almost cried! kakatuwa kasi you are so brave to post something like this - you wholeheartedly accepted na not everyone would have a good feedback about your pregnancy but who cares -? ang pinaka importante naman talga is you are happy and that is blessing!

    I just hope that people will be more sensitive no ? in giving der feedback! Stay strong sexy and pretty mommy topaz! God bless your family always! :

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  28. this made me cry. and want to slap people.

    hug.

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  29. I had to find this blogpost because your words really struck me the first time I read it, particularly the last paragraph. I am going through the exact same thing right now and I feel like no one really cares about the third baby. I've stopped caring about what others think about the baby and just decided to keep everything to myself. I am actually thinking of not sharing anything about the baby and just block everybody off!

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This is all pretty new to me so please feel free to share your mommy wisdom!