You know, I don't think I've heard myself think in the last few months, which makes blogging difficult. In fact, if it weren't for my blog sponsors, I think I'd have given up mom blogging. Some of my readers say they miss my brutally honest posts and some complain that my blog has been taken over by sponsors, but really there would be no Topaz Mommy anymore if I hadn't been
Well, I'm poking my head out of my self-imposed "brutally honest blogging" exile today.
|My silly boys|
I'm really having a hard time lately, moms. I think all I do is yell all day at my two older sons. They're constantly fighting, whining, bickering. And I'm constantly trying to mediate and reconcile. Our entire day is eaten up by this. It's driving us crazy! The yelling happens because when Vito and Iñigo are in the thick of killing each other, no sweet words or soothing tones or hugs and kisses can distract them. It's only shouting on top of their shouting that we get their attention. Am I proud of this? Am I okay with this solution? No and no. I've never hurt the boys. Not even to spank them. They may upset me but I don't think they'll upset me enough to actually make me physically hurt them (I hope!). I read once that a loving spanking is actually better than angry yelling. I've also read all the articles on the harm yelling does to kids. Well, ya know, I think I'll write an article about the harm yelling does to the parents, too. We feel upset and furious and emotionally drained, and then the guilt, oh the guilt! It crushes us. It robs us of the joy of being parents!
|Naughty Iñigo! Poor Piero! Happy Vito!|
Of course, not all our days are so ugly. The boys can be best buddies, too. They are so smart and funny. They make us laugh. They make each other laugh. They dote on each other, they are affectionate to us. They are as heavenly as they are hellish! They can be a challenge, yes, but they are also absolutely our entire world! We may be struggling every single day to be better parents, to just even be good parents, but we love being parents to these amazing little boys.
Sadly, I'm not. I don't think anyone can be the best mother in the world, but I want to be that best mother in the world for my kids. I'm so blessed to be given these beautiful and amazing little creatures and all I do is be upset with them.
|My big-hearted boy, Vito.|
Tonight, my babies are sleeping around me, their little bodies quiet save for the occasional snore and talking in their sleep. I kissed and kissed their soft and chubby cheeks, whispering my apologies for another day of failures.
They always forgive me, you know. Sometimes I wish they wouldn't, that they'll punish me for being short with them. But they always hug and kiss me and say they're happy and that they love me. I know they still see the love that I really do have for them, despite all this stress of parenting. They never seem to take me seriously when I'm angry, you see. In fact, Vito acts like I'm the child having a tantrum! He's the one that breaks my heart with his kindness and magnanimity of tenderness and understanding. Iñigo, the naughty one, will not apologize for hitting his brother/stealing Vito's toys/etc, but he'll make things right by making cute faces and saying, "Mama, be happy. I'm happy!"
|My fun-loving Iñigo.|
And that's why it's so hard to blog now because I am happy. I am grateful. Under all the extreme stress of parenting young boys is the solid foundation of happiness. The stress may drive me crazy but the love and joy is what keeps us sane and going. So I want to blog with honesty but I also want my kids to know that when they were babies, their mama was just amazing. Full stop. No tears, no frustrations, no uncertainties, no fears, no anger, no guilt. Just a mommy who enjoyed every second of being their mother. I want that out there—that I'm happy, blessed, grateful, overjoyed. But that's what's underneath, for now. What's actually seen is something close to misery!
Well, I can't have my cake and eat it, too, right? I promised I'll always be real on this blog. I guess this means I'll also have to be just as honest to my kids. And maybe by being honest to everyone, my kids will see that some of the best things in life can actually be difficult, maybe even painful, but it's always so worth it.
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