I wanted to share it with you then (I already wrote a draft), but the physical and emotional exhaustion of taking care of my sick boys made me share a bit too much and I was also extra depressed. So I saved it as a draft. I looked at it every week after and felt it was too depressing to publish. I think I can edit it now.
Watching that video reminded me of my mother. I always think of Mama not eating lunch for weeks because we needed new shoes. She never told us she didn't eat. I found out from someone that I don't remember now, but after that I never asked for new shoes or new clothes or anything new because I always think if I ask for something from Mama, she will have to make a sacrifice again.
Although I'm now living a life that's a lot better off than my mother's, I still haven't really asked for any gift for the past how many years. I keep thinking that money can go to the kids or to my hubby. Small sacrifice compared to my mother's, I know, she who never had anything at all. But I'm a mother now and there are certain things I understand now. Like giving up the things you want so you can give more to your family.
Then there are other things I'm now confused about, like honesty.
Over at my Instagram account, I coined a hashtag, #authenticmama. I believe in being completely honest. But now that my kids are older, I find that I can't be completely honest with them. I can't say these things anymore:
"I am so tired. I don't want to play. Just watch TV while Mama rests."
"I work so hard to buy you your toys and you don't even take care of them!"
"I really should be working. Instead I'm here doing crafts with you!"
But I do. I have. I'm awful.
|My boys getting a scolding. They looked so cute looking contrite that I laughed and hugged them after I took this photo. They were so relieved and happy, they forgot they were strangling each other over chocolate just a few minutes before this!|
Do they really need to know how I feel? What do my real feelings make them feel? Rejected, resented, guilty. But should I hide how I feel like how my mother hid what she did? When I found out about her not eating lunch, that didn't make me feel all gooey and loved. I felt bad. I don't think anyone wins with either the truth or with the lie.
I've also been asking my husband certain things like, "When do we tell the kids about skeletons in the family closet? Do we tell them why we don't like certain people? Do we tell them our love story, the uncensored version?" Vince says everything has a time and place. So I'll wait. But it's just weird for me, for example, when Vito wondered this, "Where is the mama of [certain relatives]?", and I have to say through my teeth, "Oh, she's somewhere. She sends them money. Don't think about it," when what I really want to say is, "She ran off with another man. That's bad, but if I told you the whole story of why she left, you're going to believe that evil truly exists in this world." So maybe let's keep that a secret.
I don't have any answers here. I've only been a mommy for 4 years. I really don't know anything. All I've known all my life is I should live my truth, whatever the consequences. But now that I have a family, I now also know that if the truth hurts, then maybe I should keep my mouth shut. Maybe I should even lie.
I don't know how I can live with myself if I lie to my kids. What do you do, mommies?
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