Thing is life isn't always good. Even for a mother of three perfect kids, a wife of an absolutely amazing husband, a writer who gets to work from home in her ratty tees and shorts. My life is stunning in how it's everything I always dreamed my life would be (and more!), but not every day is a good day, and sometimes those days come one after the other, but I can't blog about them because people want me to be inspiring.
|"What lesson can I learn from tantrums?"|
I'm not mad at my readers. I love you all! In fact, funnily enough, it's the people who don't read my blog who insist I should inspire people. "You've been given a gift! Use it! Inspire! Equip! Encourage!"
I will. I will. This influence, while strange because I'm not even Somebody Influential, isn't wholly lost on me. But now, because of it, I think I need to be inspiring, when all I want to be is to be honest. If I'm having a fantastic day, I'm going to tell you about it without ending that post with "I must always remember to be grateful for this fantastic day." If I want to say, "I have the best life in the world!", I want to say it without worrying if I sound like a huge braggart and then feel a need to tone it down because other people aren't so lucky. Same way that when I'm having a terrible day, I want to tell you about it because, dude, I'm having a terrible day. And if I want to say, "Fuck this shitty life," I want to say it. Full stop. No silver lining. No moral of the story. No inspiration.
I just want to tell my story. The story of that day. A page in this awesome life which happens to have a few chapters now and then that are all messy and chaotic and violent and angry and sad and miserable. That's all blogging is for me—telling a story. My story. But now I'm grasping for meaning in every single moment. What is the lesson from all this poop my children excrete out of their cute little bottoms? What inspiring thought can I glean from my inability to take a shower for three days? My husband and I just fought so how can I make this a learning experience?
It's so exhausting.
Honestly, some days, I'm surviving. Many days, I'm exulting. It's a good life and I love it. I love that I'm living this life—all its shittiness and greatness. But every day, I'm just simply living this life. I'm still processing it so I find it difficult to extract lessons to share when many times, I myself haven't learned the lesson yet.
I don't know how to blog anymore. I've found relief in sponsored posts that allow me to be myself and share myself but I don't have to be inspiring. I'm not saying I want to be a useless person. I'm aware that I take your time and therefore I have a responsibility to make it worth your while. I just don't know how to do that anymore—making this blog worth reading—without giving up the reason I took up blogging in the first place—to tell stories as honestly as I can.
Is meaningful blogging the only good kind of blogging? Can't honest-to-goodness or I-have-no-clue-what-I'm-doing or this-is-just-fun blogging be just as good? Can't I just tell my stories and you tell me yours and we can be friends for a few minutes? I just want to be friends. I don't need to be anyone's mentor or life peg or shining example or role model.
Unless I become perfect, of course. And wouldn't that be a boring story to tell?
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