I know I've been sporadic here on Topaz Mommy. I've been blogging over at my other blog, the original one, the lifestyle one, Topaz Horizon. But to be very honest, I'm blogging less as a mommy blogger because I'm up to my eyeballs in motherhood—and yes, that should be the best reason to continue mommy blogging!—but I can't understand how to go about this!
It's been a struggle really. Three kids is a lot. A TodayMoms.com study showed that three kids is the most stressful number of kids to have. One or two, great. Four or more, great. Three? Crazy! So I should have another one, right? Oooh boy, I would love to have another baby but I'm turning 39 in a month. I'm done.
|Lookin' for trouble? You've come to the right place.|
While I would love to talk about how amazing I am as a mommy, I can't because I'm not. I yell every day. I didn't yell before! I was such a peaceful parent. How on earth did I do that? Well, for one, I didn't have three kids a few years ago haha. And I had a really good trick to prevent yelling: Establish contact with your child. Go to your child, get down physically to his level (kneel in front of him), look him in the eye, and tell him what you need to say. This is such a good tip, moms and dads! But now that I have three kids, I can't do it! For example, I'm in the bathroom washing one son's butt and then I hear a mighty crash in the living room. What do I do? Do I leave the pooping child to rush to the destroyer child, kneel in front of him and gently talk? Nope. I yell all the way from the bathroom, "WHAT HAPPENED?!?"
This is a stage in my being a mother that I want to forget. But this also happens to be the exact same stage in motherhood that I know I'll cherish forever. My beautiful boys, so curious, smart, talkative (they don't stop talking at all), active, makulit, malambing, ma-usyoso, matanong... These are the exact same reasons why they exasperate me. The exact same reasons I love them so very much. Dear God, help me be a better mother!
All these emotions! So giggly one minute, upset the next. Exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. Grateful for my life at breakfast, weeping with guilt and feelings of inadequacy by dinner. I feel like I'm going crazy. Laughing and crying in the space of an hour! Paano ba 'to? I hate being so emotional because I don't want my kids to see me so emotional. I want them to see Mama has it all under control. Mama is one cool cucumber, all rainbows and sunshine, a gentle stream in the chaos of life that they can come to for refreshment and calm.
Gentle stream. More like raging river.
Okay. So now I want to delete this post because it's so honest and I don't want people to know I'm not a hundred percent wonderful to my wonderful boys. Okay, fine, they're not wonderful a hundred percent all the time either. So it's not like my meltdowns are for nothing. It's not easy being a mother to spirited boys, you know! Like, this whole defiance thing is not sitting well with me. I shouldn't be surprised because, first, children will always push boundaries as they learn about themselves, and second, they took after their parents so they're extra rebellious. And in a strange way, Vince and I are super proud that our boys are not quiet, wilting and bland. They may be a handful now but we can't wait for them to blaze trails, defy norms, and rage and fight the way their parents did, the way we still do now.
Okay. So now I want to delete this post yet again because I just announced to the world that my kids are extra rebellious. See how strange it is to be a mommy blogger? Honesty is what fellow mom readers love because we all need to feel validated, affirmed, not alone, not insane. And yet if I let it all hang out there, I'm opening us to judgment. I mean, I don't mind being judged. Been there, done that. Roll eyes and move on. But when the kids came, I suddenly minded not for me but for them. For example, I don't mind if people call me a bitch—true or not, it doesn't matter to me. But now I certainly mind if people tell my kids their mother is a bitch. True or not, it will affect them.
And then there's privacy. I'm obviously not a very private person. I don't care if I share my whole life! It's a fantastic life—yes, even with all my gnashing about and whining! But as my kids get older, they need their privacy and I've got to respect that. I've decided that when the kids enter big school, I won't post their faces on my blogs and social media anymore. I'll also limit my stories about them. Unless of course they inherited my total lack of discretion and decide to start their own #SalesVIP YouTube channel. But until that debut happens, I have to assume they want to be private citizens.
So there. My mommy blogging woes! Do you have any? Do you share the same concerns?
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